By SYLVIA MCGINNIS News Reporter
CNHI
12-15-10 — If you ask Jenny West how many children she has, she may tell you three. There are times, however, when she says it is simpler if she just says that she has two children. That way, she doesn't have to explain to people that she lost her son, Brian, in 1992. Brian, her oldest child, was 25 years old when he died.
West may not always tell people about her son, but he's never far from her thoughts. She vividly remembers that time 18 years ago when she was trying to cope with the death of her oldest child.
She knows first-hand how hard it is to deal with the loss of a child, and that's why West wanted to start a Compassionate Friends chapter for area residents after she moved to Wayne County. The chapter was formed in November. West stated that the charter for the Lake Cumberland chapter was officially signed on what would have been her son's 44th birthday.
West noted that losing a child can result in what she called "complicated grief." She said that it's complicated because people don't expect to lose a child. They may expect to lose a parent or a spouse, but losing a child is unexpected. Although people may want to help the grieving parents, it's hard to understand what they are going through if you have never dealt with that kind of loss.
This is something that West discovered as she was struggling to deal with her own grief after Brian passed away.
After her son's death, West went to a general support group for anyone who had suffered a loss. Although everyone in the group had lost someone they loved dearly, West said she felt that they did not truly understand what she was dealing with because it was her child that she had lost.
"When you lose a child you need a very special kind of support group," West noted.
That's what sets Compassionate Friends apart from other support groups, she noted. The organization is open to anyone, but specifically targets bereaved parents and welcomes adult siblings, grandparents and immediate family members to its meetings. The Lake Cumberland chapter is open to anyone who lives in Wayne County or any of the surrounding counties.
"Compassionate Friends is a mutual assistance, self-help organization offering friendship and understanding to families who have experienced the death of a child," West said.
According to West, she was first involved with the Frederick (MD) Chapter of Compassionate Friends. She explained that her doctor (at that time) had also lost a child. He and his wife, along with another doctor and his wife, started a Compassionate Friends chapter in Maryland.
"It was a place for me to go and share about my child," she said.
West became involved with the organization and was eventually asked to be a facilitator. When she moved to Wayne County, she decided to start a local chapter of Compassionate Friends. She noted that Marvin S. Hicks Funeral Home sponsored the local chapter because they understand the need for a support group for grieving parents. The Lake Cumberland chapter of Compassionate Friends is one of nearly 600 chapters in the United States.
"The mission of The Compassionate Friends is to assist families toward a positive resolution of grief following the death of a child of any age and to provide information to help others be supportive,"
noted West.
She noted that one of the things that makes Compassionate Friends so successful is because everybody in the group can relate to what each other is going through.
"The reason it is so successful is because you attend the meeting and you realize everyone in that room understands what you're dealing with," stated West.
This is important because everyone who comes to a Compassionate Friends meeting has their own personal story of heartache to share.
At the meeting, they find people who care about them and understand their grief.
West noted that each Compassionate Friends member is asked to wear a name tag with their name and their child's name on it. She said the child's name is added to the tag because they want to recognize and remember each child.
When the meeting starts, introductions are made and the facilitator will have a topic prepared for discussion. However, West noted, there are times when people begin sharing their own personal stories and members will talk about that instead of discussing the prepared topic. West emphasized that everything shared at a Compassionate Friends meeting is confidential. There is also a memory table set up at meetings where parents can bring pictures or other mementos of their children to display.
The meeting concludes with members joining hands and having a moment of silence. Refreshments are then served so members have the opportunity to socialize with each other. West pointed out that this time of socializing is important because the meeting can become emotional at times.
For West, her Compassionate Friends support group was an important part of her personal healing process.
"You don't forget and you don't get over it," West said, "but you can start to heal."
Compassionate Friends meetings are open to anyone in the Lake Cumberland area. Parents who have lost a child are encouraged to attend, no matter how old the child was or how long ago it has been since he or she died. West noted that men are also encouraged to attend the meetings. She added that there will be other men at the meetings and there are even male facilitators involved with the local chapter. Her husband, Larry, and Brother Bob Schaeffer of the Monticello United Methodist Church are both facilitators and attend meetings.
Compassionate Friends meetings are held the first Tuesday of each month at 7 p.m. at Monticello United Methodist Church, 145 Michigan Avenue. The next meeting will be held this week on Tuesday, December
7 at 7 p.m. The meeting is open to anyone and there is no charge to be a part of the group.
In addition to serving as facilitator at group meetings, West is also available to speak to local civic groups.
Anyone who would like more information about Compassionate Friends, would like to schedule West to speak to their group, or just needs to talk about the loss of their child is encouraged to call West at
(606) 340-1955.